DESPERATE JEALOUS WIVES

As soon as I started writing articles in my blog, I wrote one titled 'Loose Emotions'. In this I brought out that the deadliest Loose Emotion for women is Jealousy or Envy. Recently (just two days back) a Nigerian businessman  by the name of Uroko Onoja realised the hard way (or soft way, whichever way you look at it) that having sex with his youngest wife of a pack of half dozen would evoke the jealousy of five others and they would demand the same treatment. Now, I know, all those medical books that we used to read about in our school days used to tell us that no one can ever die of sex since the body has its own safety valve. However, if there is a great gap between intent (forced on by a pack of five desperate women) and capability, it can be fatal. Do you remember the school time joke of 'Big chief, no shit' (from a region close to Onoja's)? Finally, after the doctor kept increasing the laxative dose, it was 'Big shit, no chief'. A similar thing happened with Uroko Onoja.


Nigerian Uroko Onoja realised polygamy may not be as attractive as it appeared (Courtesy: bvinews.com)

Men will never know how desperate jealous wives can get. Some of them, like Onoja, die before they can learn. John Wayne Bobbitt realised it when he was still alive but most men in John Wayne's condition, won't really call themselves 'alive'. John married Lorena on 18 Jun 1989 (her maiden name was Gallo and the pronunciation of it should have cautioned John). However, John, oblivious of what waited for him, flaunted his infidelities with other women to Lorena. On the night of 23 Jun 1993, when he thought he would do to Lorena in his apartment in Virginia what he was subjecting the other women to, he had no idea his fun would be cut short. And mind you, if it hadn't been for the police doggedly searching for the severed fun (or should it be spelled with a g?), and reuniting him with his instrument of desire, he could have claimed to have the world's fastest sex change.

During the trial, it came out that Lorena was not only jealous because of John carrying his acts outside the Virginia apartment, but also because she claimed that he derived all the orgasmic ecstasy from their conjugal enactments whilst leaving her high and dry.

Many a man has come across the jealous wife imagining woh (As in 'Pati, Patni Aur Woh' (Husband, Wife and She)) even when none existed. Like the wife who used to spot different shades of hair on her husband's coat in the evenings and concluded that he was having affairs, one after the other, with a blond, brunette and redhead. One evening, she couldn't spy out a single hair on his coat and she bemoaned, "Gawd, he has now started dating bald women too."

Two and a half months back, I brought out in an article titled 'Jill The Ripper And Satyamev Jayate' that, in London, they now suspect that Jack the Ripper was a DJW (Desperate Jealous Wife) Lizzie Williams who was so fed up of the infidelities of her husband that she targeted all those who she thought had affairs with her husband.

The English playwright and poet William Congreve in his 1697 tragi-drama 'The Morning Bride' wrote: "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned,"

I know the question foremost in the minds of Indian men would be, "Nigeria, yes; America, yes; but is there anyway the bushfire would reach India?" My advice is 'don't take chances' . For example, Sections 97 to 106 of the Indian Penal Code (IPC) deal with the 'Right of Private Defence'; but, there is no section dealing with the 'Right of Defence of Privates'. Gouging eyes of the other women is become passe' these days. The other methods of teaching lessons to men, as described above, are becoming more common now.

An Indian Saint called Vidya (Knowledge) Balan (Young) (Or 'Knowledge for the Youth) had this advice to give men in The Dirty Picture, "Tujhe holi khelneka bohot shauk hai lekin teri pichkari mein dum nahin hai." (You like to play Holi but your 'Fountain Gun' isn't loaded).

Alas Uroko Onoja, the Nigerian Businessman, like other men, realised that the Pichkari cannot remain loaded forever. In other words, during school-days, we used to learn the main difference between Dark and Hard: the difference is that it can stay dark the whole night long.